Women – Dating Red Flag #9

I’m a single mother. My daughter is about three years old. She does not see her father, and hasn’t for over two years. In fact, he now lives many states away. That’s okay.

From time to time, the conversation occurs though…not about her dad, exactly, but about A dad. She goes to school and notices the variance in family structures in those that have two parents. I pat myself on the back; so far, I’ve handled these conversations well, and my daughter is doing wonderfully.

I was having a conversation with a male friend of mine. He urges me, quite frequently, to consider seriously “getting out there” again. I tell him I’ll think about it, but right now finishing my undergrad and nurturing neglected friendships are more of my priority. Sure, I’m lonely sometimes, but for some reason still not entirely enthusiastic about pursing a dating scenario. He then made the comment that it would be good for my daughter…

Which brings me to another red flag for women in regard to dating; this one, however, has nothing to do with the man we are considering involvement with. This one is all about us, ladies.

If you are a single mother, it is a terrible idea to pursue a relationship for the primary purpose of providing a father figure to your child.

First of all, your first order of business is to be the right kind of parent to your child. And being brought up in a single parent household does not need to be such an emotional hurdle, or traumatic situation for your child. All too often, the mother sets up this scenario, and therefore causes the child to feel that way. If you’re always talking about how hard it is to be a single mother (when your child can hear you or catch that vibe) and if you consistently go on about how your child is lacking a father figure, and his or her disadvantage because of it, then the child will feel that disadvantage. Otherwise, he or she probably won’t. In today’s world, several children belong to single parent households. They don’t need to feel like such an outcast anymore.

The primary benefit your child will gain from observing you date is this – the importance of pursing one’s own personal happiness. If your child watches you make an effort at being happy, they will grow up, most likely, to be a person who makes efforts to be happy.

Aside from that, if you’re out there looking primarily for a daddy, you are being unfair to the contestants for the role. You are manipulating a man into believing that his number one point of interest in for a role he’ll fill in your life, as your partner. What you’re really looking for, when you’re out looking for a co-parent, is someone to serve you. Very unfair; now, if someone you date is the type who will become a wonderful father too, then great! And of course, before committing to anyone you date, part of the criteria they should meet is the desire and ability to be a good father.

Just keep in mind what you’re looking for, and that’s a partner.